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追忆母亲

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    32年前的8月14日,母亲再也挺不住痨病的煎熬,只留下瘦骨嶙峋的躯体,孤独地离开了她早已厌倦的人世,时年39岁。
  母亲的娘家在南山脚下,外婆早早去世,撇下兄妹两人。外公出身富农,家境优裕,续娶又育三男。
  母亲从小喜爱读书认字,曾入私学就读。外公再娶之后,家庭发生了变化,母亲只能辍学在家,推磨做家务。
  22岁时,母亲已经出落成婷婷玉立的大姑娘,高爽匀称的个头,水灵灵的大眼睛,身后拖着两条长长的大辫子,平时爱说爱笑,通情达理,与邻里和睦相处。经人介绍,外公索取彩礼800元,把母亲嫁给刚从部队转业的父亲。
  大舅城府深,心眼多;父亲耿直刻板,两人性格相去甚远,这桩婚事遭到大舅的反对,直到17年后的1977年,母亲病重,自感在世时间越来越短,非常思念大舅,巴望能够见到大舅一面,妹妹能向唯一的亲哥哥倾诉多年积蓄在内心的苦衷,可是,连这一点点奢望也没能实现。农历六月三十早上,父亲像往常一样来到母亲床前,母亲安静地躺在床上好像还没睡醒。父亲习惯地把手放在母亲的鼻子上,发现母亲已经断气。母亲带着满腹遗憾,暗暗地走了,没有人知道具体是什么时间断的气。母亲走的是如此的平淡,似乎还不如一颗草。那年,我还不满12岁,弟弟刚满5岁。
  死讯传到大舅的耳朵里,大舅只留下淡淡的一句话:“我不用去了,你们处理后事吧。”
  母亲在世短暂的39年,是悲惨的一生,是痛苦的一生。
  1966年6月,我不满一岁,文化大革命爆发,人与人之间的关系错综复杂,在当时,稍有不慎就会被陷入被批斗的漩涡。母亲的成分是富农,被生产队长任某诬陷,母亲关进大队部,开会批斗。我整天饿得哇哇直哭,熬到该喂奶时,父亲把我抱进大队部,母亲见我哭得鼻泪模糊,忍不住抱着我就大哭一场…….
  为了躲避灾难,谋求生存,6月底,母亲抱着我跟随父亲背井离乡,来到吉林省郑家屯的玻璃山。逃荒关外,四壁空空,一穷二白,母亲是一位刚强而又乐观的女性,认为“穷无生根,富无长苗”,只要自己肯干,虽身处异乡,人地两生,照样能够过上好日子,早日摆脱寄人篱下的寄居生活,在东北立稳脚跟。
  五千里之外的玻璃山,饮食特点和生活习俗与关内差异很大,母亲心灵手巧,什么事都难不住自己:河南的蒸馒头,到东北的贴饽饽(大饼子);河南的西瓜酱炒菜,到东北的野菜沾大酱;河南的烙饼馍,到东北的摊煎饼;河南的玉米糁,到东北的二米饭;河南的芥菜丝,到东北的腌酸菜……一学就会。
  那个年代,喂猪是家庭最基本的收入。母亲自信地说,养猪比较合算,猪不会和人争口粮,东北地广人稀,生长有各种各样的野菜,只要不嫌麻烦,不到一年就能养出两头大猪,那可是一笔不小的家庭收入啊!要不到五年,就能买到自己的房子。
  每到中午吃罢饭,母亲背着我唱着歌越过铁路,来到田野里挖野菜,回家后把野菜统统摊在地上,母亲认真地把苘麻菜(苣荬菜,苘么菜)、婆婆丁、马食菜能够代替粮食吃的种类一颗一颗地检出来,以弥补食物,填充饥肠。其余的灰灰菜、赤角芽等统统摁进大锅里煮熟,发酵后用来喂猪。
  那个年代粮食紧缺,经常吃的玉米面从来也不舍得过箩隔皮,做出来的饽饽粗涩难咽,即使如此,往往是吃了上顿没下顿。母亲为了给我增加一些营养,家里喂了十几只鸡子,保证我每天都能够吃上一个蒸鸡蛋。没有油,没有作料,母亲有办法,把鸡蛋磕开倒进碗里,撒些咸盐,放在锅里炖熟,味道是那样的鲜美!
  东北人有整洁干净的传统,母亲更是喜爱整洁的女性。每天早早起来,把屋内家具擦拭一遍,该放哪里的家什,使用后一定还要放回原处。忙活好大一阵子,连忙哄我穿衣起床,然后把被褥摆叠整齐摆放在炕头,用花单子将被褥遮盖起来,炕上到地上,处处显得整齐漂亮。
  母亲颀长匀称的体型,微微隆起的胸脯和丰满的翘臀,勾成完美的曲线,两条大辫子一直拖到腰围。和别的女性一样,母亲天生爱美,即使再忙,每天早上都要打扮一番。一扣一扣地把辫子解开,从上到下梳理几遍,然后再一扣一扣地编成麻花型,甩在身后。虽然那时的化妆品十分单一,母亲也忘不了擦一点白嫩的友谊雪花膏。我从小就喜欢母亲对镜梳妆的姿态,每当母亲梳理打扮时,总是站在母亲身边仰望着母亲美丽的脸庞。只要母亲打扮完,就会高兴地抱起我亲上几口:“乖宝、宝蛋子……”
  母亲有文化,性格外向,好说好笑,高兴时还会抱着我又跳又唱,母亲更喜欢看书。如果上午有空,或晚上入睡前,母亲都要把我揽在怀里,拿出厚厚的小说,一句一句地念给我听。我常常躺在母亲的怀抱里不知不觉地进入梦乡,梦见了《闪闪的红星》里的潘冬子,我和潘冬子肩并肩,手拉手;梦见我也拥有一颗闪亮的五角星,肩上扛着一只长枪,雄赳赳气昂昂地跟随部队出发。
  《闪闪的红星》、《钢铁是怎样炼成的》、《苦菜花》等几部小说,都是从母亲的怀抱里熟知的。大土豪胡汉三、勇敢的少年潘冬子、保尔.柯察金等人物,至今记忆犹新。冬子的母亲被杀害,冬子失去了母亲,自己却显得更加坚强,母亲念到这里时,我担心地问母亲:“爸爸打鬼子去了,只有冬子自己,咋办?”母亲抚摸着我的额头说:“潘冬子是勇敢的孩子。你长大后,也要像冬子和保尔一样,坚强、勇敢,做个有志气的男子汉!”

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  北方温度低,气候寒冷,和中原的气候相比,悬殊甚大。1973秋,弟弟出生,还没有满月,母亲就到外面剁菜喂猪,以致受凉感冒。母亲很要强,认为自己年轻,感冒咳嗽不算病,不用吃药,熬些日子自然会好,可怕的是母亲咳嗽越来越严重,转变为气管炎。得了气管炎是十分痛苦的,这种病会使人浑身无力,肌肉酸痛,整天不断地剧烈咳嗽,甚至咳出血痰,往往一口气憋得面色涨红,双眼流泪。1975年,母亲实在推不过去,只好连续注射青霉素20天,咳喘才有所减轻,为了尽可能地减轻家庭经济负担,母亲推说自己的病已经好了。
  第二年入冬,咳嗽再次复发,经卫生院诊断,气管炎已经转变为肺结核。肺结核,可是不治之症。七十年代,治疗肺结核的链霉素,是紧俏药品,平常人很难买到。父亲跑前跑后,大队到公社,公社到卫生院,历经半个月,才买来一盒十只;又往河南老家寄信求助,花费一个月的时间,大伯才寄来一盒救命仙丹“大连产链霉素”。断断续续的药物治疗,贫困的生活,严重的营养缺乏,导致母亲的病情愈加严重。
  1976年冬,母亲已经病入膏肓,脸上看上去似乎就是一具骷髅,仅有的一层薄薄的肉皮紧裹着骨头,如同一张黄纸贴在脸上,苍黄憔悴,一双深陷的大眼睛,呆滞无神,丰满的身躯变成了干枯的骨架。母亲被疾病折磨得痛不欲生,她早已失去女人梳理打扮的天性。即便如此,母亲强忍病痛,做一些力所能及的家务,然后喘着带有弦音的粗气,独自坐在炕头,背靠被子,僵板着脸,瞪着眼睛,一言不发,慢慢休息缓解。由于病重,母亲的脾气异常暴躁,动不动就发火,母亲的神态让我至今想起来又痛心又恐惧。那年我11岁,每逢下学回家,先站在窗口向屋里看,如果父亲不在,就不敢进屋,独自站在门口,一直等到父亲放工,才跟着父亲进屋。记得有一次,我在门口等到天黑,父亲才放工回家。父亲看到我这么晚了还坐在大门口,就问我:“你才不进屋哩?”我低头不言,父亲紧接着呵斥我:“屋里有鬼?”这后来,我就更加恐惧了。母亲知道后,把我揽在怀里大哭:“往后,妈妈不嚷(怪)你了!”
  1977年春节刚过的一个晚上,我跟随父亲在邻居家做客回来,突然不见了母亲。父亲跑着前后院找个遍,仍不见母亲的身影。父亲很紧张,好像感觉到了什么,领着我径直往村东的人造林走去,远远看到母亲蹒跚前移的羸弱身影,腋下夹着一盘麻绳……父亲感到非常痛苦和无助,断然决定,将新房卖掉,一家四口返回老家河南,无论如何也不能将母亲的一把骨头仍在异乡。
  值得一提的是,我们全家四口转车到郑州火车站时,由于票额不足,被检票人员带进一间屋子。父亲报着试试的态度,找到郑州站站长。我记得非常清晰,站长是个40多岁富富态态的女人,留着一头短发,慈眉善目,当她看到我们一家四口大的大、小的小,特别是病重的母亲时,恻隐之心顿然而生,特意开具“乘车免票证明信”,一路绿灯,一直到家。进站口检票员看到这封证明信时,诧异地看了看我们,说:“这比车票还厉害!”
  祝愿那位不知名的郑州女站长,健康长寿,永远幸福!
  回到家乡,父亲利用在吉林的卖房钱,把母亲送进县医院住院治疗一个月,买房钱花完了,也没有把母亲从痨病中夺回来,老天不公。
  母亲,您在哪里?如果您还活着,即使孩儿不孝顺,每月给你百十元,您也不用再去吃带皮的玉米面,也不用再去吃马食菜……
  母亲,您在哪里?如果您还活着,当我遇到磕磕绊绊时,仍然依偎在您的身旁,倾吐苦衷。
  母亲,您在哪里?您知道吗?现在不是您抱着我去大队看电影的时代了,也不是抱着我念小说的年代了,如果你还活着,我给您会买一台最好的电视机!
  母亲,我知道,您走了,您不会再花孩儿的一分钱!
  二月二、十月一,孩儿会准时到墓地敬拜您。如果纸钱能花,如果祭品您能够接到,您就随意地享用,花完后再托梦给我。
  母亲,您不必挂念,孩儿过的很好,您安息吧! 

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